All parents face challenging decisions about when and what to tell their children about topics such as sex, money, war, and politics. These subjects can be controversial, scary, uncomfortable, and complicated. So it’s no surprise that parents diagnosed with cancer often worrry about how to share the news with their children.
“When someone is newly diagnosed with cancer and they have children, most often their first thought goes to them,” says Bonnie Indeck, LCSW, Social Work Manager at Smilow Cancer Hospital at Yale-New Haven, New Haven, CT. “They wonder, ‘How am I going to tell them? When should I tell them? How much information should I give?’”
While there is no set rule for telling your child that you have cancer, Ms. Indeck said there are certain guidelines you can follow, the most important being your children’s ages. “We recommend age-appropriate truth,” explains Ms. Indeck. “Don’t lie to them—they are smart, and they will know you aren’t telling the truth. And if they overhear something that is different from what you’ve told them, it may be difficult for them to trust you in the future, and their fears may actually be worse than the reality of what is happening.”
Ms. Indeck suggests that you don’t need to tell your children on the same day you are diagnosed with cancer. “Parents may need a little time to process the diagnosis and decide what is best to say to the child,” she says. “Once the conversation is started, it’s important to give the child permission to ask questions and realize that the information shouldn’t be rushed. It will most likely be a series of ongoing conversations rather than just one discussion.”
“It’s also okay for parents to admit they don’t have all the answers,” continues Ms. Indeck.
“It’s fine to say, ‘That’s a great question. I don’t know the answer, but let me check with my doctor and get back to you.’”
Ms. Indeck says that you should keep your children up-to-date on your progress throughout treatment, and let them know it’s okay to talk about how they’re feeling. “You want your child to say, ‘I’m scared’ or ‘I’m worried.’ If you know what’s on their mind, you can help them manage those feelings,” she says.
“Of course, the elephant in the room is the child worrying that the parent might die. This is always more difficult,” said Ms. Indeck. “While many parents survive, there are some who unfortunately will not. Parents should acknowledge children’s concerns, and reinforce that their medical team and they themselves are doing everything that they can to live.”
She emphasizes that if you’re facing a terminal illness, you should prepare your child. “This will most likely be through a series of conversations that will be dictated by the age of the child and the parent’s prognosis. For younger children, parents may not want to begin this conversation until much further down the road.”
Finally, Ms. Indeck says that you may want to consider telling other people about your diagnosis to help support your children. “Parents might want to tell the child’s school so that they can help keep an eye on the child, lend extra support, and let the parent know if something isn’t going well,” she says.
Patient Resources
Dana-Farber Cancer Institute
http://www.dana-farber.org/Adult-Care/Treatment-and-Support/Patient-and-Family-Support/Family-Connections.aspx
American Cancer Society
http://www.cancer.org/treatment/childrenandcancer/helpingchildrenwhenafamilymemberhascancer/dealingwithdiagnosis/dealing-with-diagnosis-toc